So my life as a feminist has taken a few turns or so. Some of it is the craziness of living through some traumatic shit. Some of it is just luck. I don’t remember when I decided I didn’t want to have children but at some point during my teen years I did.
I found blogs, written by women, who called themselves feminists and talked about their decision to be childfree. In particular I loved the green fairy and the misanthropic bitch. Although in my more enlightened analysis now I would reject pretty much most of what these women put out, what drew me in was the simple idea that women don’t exist to have males use our bodies to pass their seed on.
There’s a million ways to express this idea, and I ate them all up.
I had an abortion about 5 years ago, really upset with myself (I KNOW!) for being so stupid to have even ever gotten pregnant. I was also proud of making the RIGHT decision, instead of doing what I’d seen so many women do. Settle down with the first guy that knocks them up and settle into domesticity. I just knew I couldn’t do that.
Don’t let anyone tell you abortion is an easy option either. Its incredibly painful, my body still hasn’t recovered from the trauma 5+ years on and it physically altered my body in very terrifying ways.
A lot of women really wrap their identity up in having children. It seems to be this confirmation of womanhood that one either lives up to or not. Lesbians can validate ourselves as women by giving birth to healthy sons, etc.
I guess this is what I wanna talk about. I’ve dated several women who have pretty much freaked out at my assertion that I don’t want to have children, and I especially don’t want to have MALE children. I have explained why, and I do think my reasoning is sound. I don’t want to put a male child out into the world and have him possibly harming women and know that my love and acceptance for my child will always be lacking because of this fear. I also just don’t want to put the time, energy and love (and really what is more of an energy sponge than children?) into a man. For any reason. I’ve also been contacted by butthurt sons of 70s feminists who tried raising their kids in alternative ways which has resulted in their sons taking on a very conservative attitude towards life and towards their treatment of women. Then there’s sons like Tobi Hill-Meyer, well I just couldn’t handle that at all…
At first I was kind of shocked that other lesbians wouldn’t get this, but of course not everyone in the world is a radical feminist and just cause someone likes women and even likes me (I have my moments of charm) doesn’t mean they have any clue about how bad shit really is. So I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve finally figured it out. Here’s my hypothesis:
1) Having sons is a status giver for women. When we give birth to male children we are validating our own womanhood and proving our value to the culture at large. This is a way to validate ourselves as women and thus lesbians, many of whom feel like a big part of their womanhood has been denied their whole lives know having sons will validate them in the eyes of society.
2) Internalized misogyny. This is a no brainer. We’ve all heard women talk about how little girls are all “bitches” and “evil” and sons are so sweet and love their mothers endlessly (as if).
3) Heteronormativity. For you see, the mother/son relationship is the foundation of the institution of heterosexuality itself. Its a perfect analogy really. Women pour all their love and soul into nurturing and taking care of men who are our oppressors, we are unable to escape it in most situations. But of course its supposed to be different when its our own
nigels sons. I mean, I was even once at an anti porn conference where a woman was more freaked out about how her son felt about his penis size than the woman being humiliated in the pornography he was looking at on the computer. We all have our anecdotes I’m sure.
I’m not really sure what I’m getting at here. I guess its a few trains of thought trying to pull itself into some analysis of the situation. I guess its fun breaking down compulsory heterosexuality and showing that yet again, lesbians and heterosexual women aren’t different from one another. We’re all raised under the big P and we all have the same messages drilled into us. I long for the day when every woman is a radical lesbian feminist.
So for now, its back to enjoying celibacy and using that sexual energy to be creative which is like, totally hot.