are lesbians really a menace?

Heterosexual women really need to get their shit together.
From the “don’t talk about my continued pattern of getting into go-nowhere relationships with men” to the using of lesbians for comfort from male abuse it needs to stop.

Some observations:

each time I’ve suggested to women that they stop having relationships with men (Not suggesting they start dating women) the defensiveness comes to the surface immediately. The justifications for continuing to let men invade your bodies and colonize your mind are always there. “Women are just as bad” etc. Well actually NO, women are not just as bad and deep down all women know that. You are far less likely to be raped, physically abused or subjected to extreme gender shit from a woman than from a man.

Fine, not all women can be celibate or become political lesbians, thats not the expectation. But if its really so bad with men (and it is) you should have enough self respect to stop getting into those patterns.
When lesbians point this out they are scapegoated as bashing heterosexual women, etc. But that isn’t the case. The truth is a very hurtful thing to confront but it will set you free, which is the hope of lesbian feminists speaking the truth to their sisters.

There’s also another problem which I don’t think is addressed enough, that heterosexual women USE lesbians. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve seen heterosexual women fake interest in women just because they’re upset at men. The lesbian community is not a dumping ground for het women’s problems with men. If you really love other women you won’t use them that way. It continues to happen though.

I know its not always possible to just leave men, some women have children with men, some women are dependent in ways. Some women (unicorns) have good relationships with men who treat them like human beings and they don’t want to just leave them because they’ve come to a certain consciousness. Its understandable. But the defensiveness about ones sacred! sexuality has to stop.

Maybe its easier for me than some. I’ve been “bisexual” for nearly my entire life, I think I was 5 or 6 when I had my first crush on a girl. I’ve had relationships with males and females but have made a conscious decision to practice celibacy because of the trauma that relationships with males put me through. Being fucked by men definitely has resulted in physiological responses that I will not subject another woman to. If you listen to lesbians talk about this issue they talk about how deeply hurtful it is to be rejected by their female lovers.
Think about it: you want to be intimate with another person and they are rejecting you because of your sex or because of your unresolved trauma from men.
The sad thing is that this generally happens AFTER a het woman sleeps with a lesbian.

I don’t understand why so many insist silence about this issue.
I think part of this is that women know they’re making a conscious choice to continue with men despite how they’ve been treated and they don’t want to confront that within themselves. Facing/acknowledging that we’ve made conscious decisions about how we want our lives to be at times is hard, but with a feminist consciousness the excuses have to end.

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8 responses to “are lesbians really a menace?

  1. Well, I think you gave the answer to why this happens. Trauma has a way of manifesting itself in dysfunctional ways. That is why it is called trauma, it is not healthy. We all cope as best we can.
    I think lesbians have been a HUGE part of the cure, for all women. The women in my city who are the program directors and execs at domestic violence shelters and sexual abuse centers and sex trafficking units – many are out lesbians. All of my supervisors are out lesbians. I am thankful for their perspectives about what we do day in and day out.

    I think the lesbian community, in general, sees this phenomenon happening with hets (especially with abused women) because it is a known truth that when a woman is raped/abused many times men become a trigger – so women DO become their only comfort.

    I don’t blame the woman, I blame the trauma. I think lesbian communities embrace a lot of traumatized women.

    I agree with you though, I think part of ending domestic violence is teaching women they can have self-esteem and confidence without being attached to a man – and a lot of times this part is silenced because we don’t want to come across as blaming the victim. It is truth though, we need to teach women about making better choices with their bodies, and their lives!

  2. Well I am a bisexual woman and my relationship with my male partner (who is and always was as much a radfem as myself – I say ‘was’ as my previous relationship was with a total sexist prick who pretended to be feminist) is that of your ‘unicorn’ category.

    But I can understand how behaviours of retreating to abusive males despite one’s best advice is disheartening at best, and my partner reacts with such horror at the sort of patriarchal behaviours I would reluctantly tolerate on the surface in previous relationships because I, well, had developed bad habits of enduring terrible behaviour since I grew up in a highly abusive household until I was 21.

    Trauma often gives rise to ritualised behaviours which persist if not questioned and broken with which is really difficult, and requires support – though outright using others while crawling back to abusers is terribly unfair.

  3. I’m really interested in this post but I feel unsure of what you mean here:

    Being fucked by men definitely has resulted in physiological responses that I will not subject another woman to.

    What are you talking about here? Penetration? I’m sorry I just want to understand what you mean properly.

    Then you go on:

    If you listen to lesbians talk about this issue they talk about how deeply hurtful it is to be rejected by their female lovers.
    Think about it: you want to be intimate with another person and they are rejecting you because of your sex or because of your unresolved trauma from men.
    The sad thing is that this generally happens AFTER a het woman sleeps with a lesbian.

    When you say women reject other women (ex-het?) “because of your sex…or trauma from men” do you mean the ex-het is rejecting her lesbian love or the other way round?

    I just want to add that I think the Lesbian community does a tonne for het women and yes women do need to extricate themselves from men. I am currently celibate after ending it with a man after 18 years a couple of years back. I certainly will never be with a man again. I noticed you write that you have always been aware of being bisexual (me too) so my question is are you open to the possibility of a relationship with a woman or are you saying you feel that would be unfair to another woman since you have been het?

    • I’ve had relationships with women before and I’m open to it again. Currently I’m practicing celibacy because I know that a severe amount of male bullshit has toxified my life and I’m not willing to drag that shit into further relationships. Does that make sense?

      A lot of lesbian women have been het, so its not that big of a deal to meet another woman with similar experiences I suppose.

      “When you say women reject other women (ex-het?) “because of your sex…or trauma from men” do you mean the ex-het is rejecting her lesbian love or the other way round?”

      I’m talking about ex het women rejecting lesbian love and hurting lesbians in the process. It isn’t okay.

      Maybe a lot of this is due to compulsory sexuality. It doesn’t matter who you fuck anymore, but you need to get fucking and do it a lot! (feel weird referring to lesbian sex as “fucking” but you get what I mean) There’s no real time for people to develop authentic sexuality with porn culture at its height and the pressures of consistently being sexual. Stepping back before jumping into something is a good idea.

  4. Thanks for your reply. Good points. Yes, stepping back is the best.

  5. As a het-privileged woman, what is the most urgent work that needs done, regarding het idiocy? I get the following:

    1. Don’t whine about relationships with men, and then stay in ’em — at least have the honesty and integrity to admit choices and take responsibility for them.

    2. Don’t lean on Lesbians for emotional or psychological stability — don’t be a taker when you’re not going to give much of anything in return.

    Isn’t this the same trap that gets set up with white women leaning on (or demanding things from) Black women, the “Ooh, you’re so strong, and li’l ol’ me just can’t do what you do” sort of thing? Seems like it to me, and it’s demeaning all around. It shows itself as “I’m just not strong enough to leave all this (glorious) privilege behind; I’ll be the fun-fem/ the purty white girl, and you-all can be the workhorses on the frontlines (get shot, while I flirt).” (Clearly I am not in the least enamored of what passes for ‘normal’ het/white behavior.)

    And isn’t it a good guide in general, given the fact of patriarchy, for women to work to support and give to women and girls, primarily — and to never give more than they get from men (and boys beyond early childhood), to never go above that 50% line, or that equal-giving line?

    3. Skip the sacredness lecture on het sexuality. And the defensiveness. And, please, do not announce to the whole world how much you love The PIV. Fine, and so not the point. Also skip the compulsory sexuality routine. And for the really brave — question the norm, rethink it all.

    4. Do not toy with Lesbians; be very careful about becoming involved with a woman before you, yourself, are ready to take the sometimes scary step of loving, with heart and soul, an undeniable equal. Understand that womanness is sacredness, and that Lesbian love has the potential to undermine patriarchy deeply, maybe even devastatingly … handle that power carefully.

    What am I missing, and what am I unclear on? I’m thinking that with clarity, I can help some. Really thought-provoking post!

  6. This is a good post. I understand, based on your trauma, why you would want to practice celibacy for a while and take a break from relationships. You may take years of a break from relationships but I think its good for all of us, especially women, to take breaks after trauma to find and be comfortable in ourselves. My Mom after a 8 year abusive relationship wanted to jump right into another one with another fucking abusive douchebag. I kept pleading with her and telling her that she should take a huge break from men. She has experienced so much bullshit in her life…She finally is single now and has been for a while. TBH I hope she stays single for at least five more years. This will hopefully give her the proper time to find herself and be comfortable in herself (focus on HER and not dickpleasing). I’d prefer she would never get into a relationship again TBH because I feel that the cycle will never stop, but if she does, I hope it’s the kind of guy that isn’t full of abusive cocky egotistic bullshit.

  7. A friend just sent this. It is excellent. Thank you!

    In our book, “Dykes-Loving-Dykes,” a lot of our focus, after first naming male crimes against girls and women and the earth, was about exploring what goes wrong between women — and so much of that is from the hatred and anger women feel towards men that they then bring into Lesbian communities and subject Lesbians to. When the majority of Lesbians chose men first and still are so Lesbian-hating and het-culture-dominating (to the point that if a Lesbian protests the common announcement, “We’ve all been with men,” she gets slammed, insulted, lectured, and basically told to shut up), then of course Lesbian communities are damages and fucked up in ways they would not have been otherwise.

    Women (including Lesbians) need to unlearn heterosexism, just as we need to unlearn other privileges like racism, classism, ableism, ageism, etc. But how when heterosexism among women and among Lesbians isn’t even acknowledged?

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